Madama Caterpillar

Another creative non-fiction piece..

Madama Caterpillar

In July 2004 I gave birth to my first child.
A boy.
Trouble.

I didn’t announce my pregnancy in my work places because there is a certain culture in the performing arts which says that you can’t mix vocations. The vocation to be a performer and the one to be a mother don’t jive. Now this “wisdom” is bunk and many mothers have managed to have multiple vocations and excelled at all of them. But since I’ve heard “If you can do something else, don’t be an actor/singer/musician” so many times in my life I wondered if my new status as a bi-vocationalist would be a hindrance to my employment.

Five months after my boy was born I started my contract with the Vancouver Opera Chorus for a new production of Madama Butterfly. A dozen years before, Madama Butterfly was the first opera I ever worked on and the fabulously tear-jerking soaring melodies and supremely tragic story had inspired my study of the art form and pursuit of an operatic career. I wept backstage. I wondered what it would be like to be mother who chose the ultimate self sacrifice for her child. I thought about how glamorous it would be to be singing the title role. I knew I would never sing a lead role in this particular opera but I loved it anyway.

Rehearsals for opera productions start about 2 months before the performances. Before my first born arrived I knew I was going to have the perfect child- I would be able pursue my career and my creative life and he would just tag along or perhaps be minded by caring friends or family members. I would be sleeping well and therefore be able to sing soon after he was born. I would practice while he napped.

I was so wrong.

My son hated when I sang anything other than children’s songs at home. I was too loud for his little ears. He had a terrible time going to sleep and staying asleep and preferred to be attached to my breast at all times. When he was actually napping I valued his sleeping so much that I would never jeopardize it by opening my mouth to sing! My son was not really interested in being with any one but me. I pumped like crazy to eek out 2 ounces. He refused to take a bottle.

Somehow I managed to leave him for the evenings I had rehearsals. It was great to be back as a professional singer- socializing with my colleagues and singing beautiful music.

During the early rehearsals I was chosen to be a part of the Geisha chorus. This meant that we would float onstage, setting the scene for the arrival of the Madama Butterfly. As a member of the Geisha chorus not only do you spend more time on-stage you also wear the fabulous silk kimonos, fancy sandals, fancy geisha wigs and makeup, plus you have the opportunity to display your flirtatious fan skills and mad parasol twirling techniques.

About 5 weeks prior to opening I was scheduled for a costume fitting. It was a daytime appointment and as I didn’t want to overtax my childcare peeps I brought along my baby. I knew that everyone in the costume shop would be delighted to meet my little one. I hauled my sleeping baby in his carseat (perhaps the most difficult way to transport 20 lbs of static weight). There I was, living my dream of mixing my vocations-  Hippy mother meets Opera professional. Indeed the wardrobe mistress very pleased to have a baby visit the costume shop and after some ogling we set to work making sure my costume would fit. I stepped into the change room and put on the undergarment (designed to be easy to launder and protect the Kimono) over my nursing bra. The undergarment- a Nagajuban- is designed to flatten breasts. This was the first time ever anyone considered flattening my wee girls but breastfeeding had provided cleavage I never thought possible. However, it was also clearly NOT designed to enable easy breastfeeding. Clearly Geishas are not bi-vocationalists. I then donned the blue and cream flowing silk of the kimono and the snap on Obi. As I was almost finished with the fitting my son woke up and then, he started to cry. I started to feel a familiar prickly feeling in my chest. I portent of doom. I had not even thought to use breastpads for my bivocational premiere. I tried to calm my baby and hoped that the feeling would go away. He continued to cry. Two round circles started to appear on the silk of the Kimono just above the rim of the Obi. First “The Provider” on the left and then “The Other Side” on the right. The costume mistress rushed to get the costume off but it was too late. Way too late.

I didn’t exactly get a pink slip but when I had my next costume fitting my beautiful kimono had turned into a burlap gunny-sack. No-one said why but I knew that there was no way they would risk putting a Kimono on a lactating mother again. Clearly I had been demoted. I was now a peasant relative. No wafting on stage. No fancy wig. No colourful fan. No parasol. I still got to sing the music but somehow it just wasn't the same. . .

My fears of being dismissed for being both an artist and a parent had come true.
Cio-Cio San (Madama Butterfly) named her child Trouble. I think she was not far from wrong.

-        

Costume Alteration

Costume Alteration

In September my folks visited and brought with them costumes from my childhood costume cupboard. One item was a black and white clown ensemble that my Mum made for me when I was about 10 years old. It was like one of those figurines of a clown you might find in an old ladies memorabilia store. “If you break it you bought it”. It was like a big checkerboard with one arm white while the other black and the torso divided in two, one side black the other white. Around the neck was a yellow-felt star-like “ruffle”– each pointed end sporting a miniscule jingle-bell. My kids pounced on the costumes immediately and danced around wearing the over-sized identities of people who they were not. My six year-old sported the clown outfit and it hung hilariously huge on her small frame. She chose this costume to dress up for trick-or-treating and Hallowe’en parties. I had to step up and do a serious alteration to the costume in order to make it fit. 

Being a mum I have lots of time for projects. So it was late on the night before Hallowe’en after the kids had gone to bed when I got to work. I sat at the Singer Sewing machine that my Mum had bequeathed to me. The very one she had used to make the costume. The job took longer than I expected but it gave me time to contemplate costumes and identities and their place in my world. My Mum made the neck hole the access point for putting the costume on, sewing elastic into the wrists and ankles that could accommodate a growing body. Easy. A flexible costume. One that could be worn over other clothes. One that could be altered. 

I think of myself as close to my Mum. I am told I look just like her. She and I are middle children. We are married to men who share the same rather public profession. A profession that carries a certain number of expectations for the families and includes a fair number of costumes. 

Holding the clown costume my Mum made for me 30 years ago I wondered if she also toiled the night before Hallowe’en creating a new identity for me? Did she have any inkling that her work would be passed on to another generation? Did she identify with her Stay At Home Mother identity or did it feel like a costume?

Growing up I knew my Mum as my Mum. I knew that she had trained to be a nurse but to me she was Super Mum and Volunteer-Extraordinaire. When my Mum got married and had kids did she also have to alter her costume, her self- identity? Take in her ambition by 6 inches? Tuck in her hopes, hem her dreams, change the elasticity around the edges?

My kids don’t know me as much other than “Mum”. They have not seen the other costumes I have worn in my life. The people I have been. In my life on stage I have been Queens and Princesses, servants, commoners, geishas and peasants, shepherds, townsfolk, goddesses, noble-women, demi-gods, Little Red Ridinghood. My Kids know me in a way that I hardly know myself. I changed from having many costumes to having one that doesn’t always fit me right. Stay At Home Mom. 

From my daughter’s measurements I found that I needed to decrease the length of the costume by 6 inches everywhere- torso, legs, arms. I didn’t want to change anything permanently during in my alteration for maybe in the future someone bigger would want to wear it. My Mum’s choices of black thread or white thread talked to me. Which colour thread should I be using? Is the fabric strong enough after 30 years for this kind of transformation? I noticed the elasticity around the wrists and ankles had suffered the same sort of fate as my own skin’s elasticity after 3 children. 

Many times I wonder that maybe I wasn’t meant to be a mom. I don’t have the patience for all the nagging, the interruption of thoughts, the three healthy wellbalanced nutritious meals produced each day, the noise, the clutter, the cleaning, the dirty socks flung everywhere, the Mum? Mum? Mum? Mum? the expectations that I will be on the PTG or make cookies after school everyday … Did my Mum have those same thoughts? What was it like for her to alter her costume to become the Mum that I knew? Mum?

My mum went back to work after all her children were in University and it was amazing to see her new identity. Here was a professional woman, with updated nursing skills, a leader in her workplace and an earning power that probably out-shadowed my Dad’s income. I wish I had known more of that side of my Mum as I was growing up too.

Sitting at my Mums old Singer I conjured the techniques that she had taught me at that same machine. How do we discover the right technique, the tweaks that will make the costume fit? One limb at a time. Using a stitch that can be altered later I pressed my foot to the pedal - re-crafting a gift through time. I finished two arms and the torso before I absolutely needed to go to bed. I hastily finished the job using safety pins to shorten the legs. More flexibility. The costume was functional for Hallowe’en.

My life as a Stay At Home Mom is a safety pin alteration but I’ll sit at the Singer for awhile yet. The costume fits, for now.

writing

Tonight I went to a creative non-fiction class for mothers. It was held at the local community college and was a steal of a deal in terms of tuition. I gather the rate is highly subsidized for parenting programs. I feel lucky to benefit from such policies!
It was a 2.5 hour class led by 2 mothers who are heavily involved with the "Listen To Your Mother Spokane" presentation that has happened here for the last 3 years. The show is a wonderful opportunity to hear short essays about parenting (face-it, Mothering) from within the community.
My assignment for the class is to hand in a draft of an idea/essay on Sunday and at the next class the two leaders will return our piece of writing with their editing suggestions. I'm just a bit bummed that the class is only 2 sessions long. . .  I will be encouraging them to hold a longer class in the future. Since I have been thinking about this class and also LTYM quite a lot I am excited to send them an idea/essay. Luckily I have already begun my first draft on a certain topic but plan to write on some other ideas too. Anyone think this is a good idea?

Happiness.

You can hear the sopraninininini, Timo, in this vid... :)
The next generation of VISI singers getting trained up.

15 months

Fifteen months means

sleeping better (not every night but most)
sudden onset of snits- including a big bottom lip (is that biological or what?!?!) and throwing oneself to the ground

at least 11 teeth
still little on the "charts" <5th -75th="" circumference="" for="" head="" p="" weight="">because he's so little it means he gets to wear all his cute little clothes for much longer!

hugging Mum lots
signing for a number of things but mostly using that "eah" sound
loves his baths- started "swimming" in the tub

Oh, and climbing. lots and lots of climbing- always wanting to be bigger!!!

at Nasja's birthday party

Winter Wonders

We have had a few days of warmer weather and the snow around our house has mostly melted. I think I prefer the fresh snow to the mostly melted kind! We have had marvelously wintery days around here. The fog descends and we get spectacular ice forming on everything. It only happened once last year (i thought it might happen all the time) and so this year I rushed out to take photos of it!

On these branches you can see the ice formed on only one side.

This is a bough of Douglas Fir!

 It can be treacherously icy around here and it is essential to have "yak traks" or similar grips on your boots for those icy days. I am still liking the 4 seasons "thing" but I am very much looking forward to spring and getting outside and mucking about in my garden. This year I hope that Timo will be past the "insatiable desire to put everything in his mouth" stage by the time i need to start digging!

No excuses!

Time to post something. Anything....
Things are fine around here. We have had a busy 2013 already with both Martin and I traveling away from home. Martin went to California for some continuing education and I went to BC to do a few days of ABM work with kids. It was nice to get away and have many moments of quiet- there is a lot of talking with a 6 and 8 year old around! When Martin was I away I was keenly aware of the different dynamic of single parenting. It forces me to be more organized as I have to do it all. I sailed a pretty tight ship and the older kids were good natured and helpful. We had fun together. Timo was his usual self- pretty easy going but always a going concern.
We didn't manage to write and send off a Christmas letter this year. Perhaps we will have to choose another holiday to send greetings to our friends. We have friends who send out family greetings on St Patrick's Day- perhaps we could do the same :) .
Now that I have broken the blogging ice I can post about other things!!

13 months

What 13 months means

lots of cruising around on furniture
Taking 2-4 steps- (12 have been counted on occasion...) it is still so much more efficient to crawl
climbing stairs- if someone has forgotten to close the gate
practicing "uh oh" just like his cousin
eating every kind of food
signing for Pat-a-cake song
overcoming bad cold/cough- incredible snot sneezes
going to bed without nursing for both naps and bed-time
delighting in doing things that he knows are "wicked"!
delighting in being called a scamp and a scallywag.
more clingy to Mum
7 teeth
darling giggles.

sleeeeeep

Sleep seems to be something that I only get in short chunks these days. I suppose if I started sleeping when Timo goes to sleep (7:30 PM or so) I would get a good stretch until about midnight. After midnight though Timo likes to sleep only for a few/couple hours at a time. Clearly things need to change regarding this but since waking up always happens when I have the least reserves to deal with it I am finding that just getting up and comforting him/nursing him is my only option. However, I have just cancelled 3 of my days of childcare in the Bay Area because Martin and I have a plan to send Timo home with Martin 3 days before I get back to Spokane. That will mean 2 nights of me, alone, sleeping. The thought it just glorious. And also terrifying. How will it all work out? When I get back will there be 3 adults and one 13 month old with sleep deprivation instead of one mum? Here's hoping I can pump enough milk to leave for the brave back at home.
I must sign off now, I have to get pumping before Timo wakes up....

betwixt seasons

As I told you before we have had our first snow. It seemed impossible that it could happen as the days had been so warm and the leaves were still on most of the trees. Just like last winter the tendency around here is to snow, thaw and freeze. It did a bunch of that but now it has melted (apart from the snowballs in the backyard) and now most of the trees have given up their leaves and we get to see the cover of unraked leaves that has been languishing under the snow (not so nice...).

Even with the snow I am glad to say that my garden is still producing veggies for us and I got to pick carrots and kale from under the snow drifts!! I had to wear gardening gloves so that my fingers didn't freeze in the snow. Seems kinda miraculous that I can still be eating out of my garden!! Yippeeee!
Here are some pictures from about a month ago. I love how these plants change their colours in a rainbow fashion.

house of sick

On Sunday someone asked me how my household was doing and I said that remarkably everyone was very well and we had had very few fall illnesses. I should have been knocking on wood or crossing my fingers or something because that night started a range of delights! Mimi was sick (stomach) (what she always gets) and that meant a VERY interrupted night for us. She stayed in bed/at home for 2 days. Ami has a very bad cough (the one he always seems to get) and I am sporting a rather horrendous sore throat (also the one I always get). Timo has been cranky and he is either getting a new tooth or he has some ache that he can't tell us about.
This too shall pass.

Guest post by Mimi- from Sunday

Today we got up and we put on our clothes. Then we ate breakfast (piece of toast). Then we had a walk and we went to church. I went to junior choir. We practiced singing. I forget which songs they were. Then I went to children's church. Then we had our morning prayers. It was fun. Then we sang songs and they were... I forget! Then we had our story and we had snack. It was chips and apples. Then Cathy brought down the bells and the cross. Then I holded the bells. It was fun. Then we went upstairs and we processed down the aisle. Then we played a story. It was fun but i wasn't involved in the story. Not everyone was involved. It was if you knew how to read. Then I sat with Miranda and Matthew and we had fun with my crayons and my pages. And soon the service was over. And in the middle of the service i did the labrinth. It was fun doing the labrinth.
We had enchiladas (leftover). [ed. for dinner]

Mimi and Miranda with their choir uniforms!

wait! i forgot one part!!We had pumpkin pie!!!!.

Bazaar

Today was the day of the big Christmas Bazaar across the street. I have NOT officially joined any "ladies groups" at church but somehow my friends belong to a "guild" and they invited me to join them for events/meetings/outings. (is this how people get into cults?!) The whole "Guild culture" is big here. There seem to be endless Guilds who do all sorts of socializing and raising of money to give to those who need it. I heard today that the "Service League" (the first and most "overarching" group) was in existence before the Cathedral was and they raised the equivalent of 3 (or maybe it was 8) Million dollars in the '30s (mid depression..) toward the creation of the building. 
 
This was all done with 5 cent luncheons and garage sales. Not to mention Spring Balls, Summer Balls, Winter Balls etc. Those gals loved to dance I guess and they really knew how to get MONEY!!. Today the guilds are of various sizes and raise funds for those less fortunate.
The guild that I am associated with is called the St Catherine and St Frances guild. The guild had almost died out (quite literally) but it has been re-membered by a few youngish Moms.
My friend Becky took on the role of leader, creating everything necessary to make our booth at the Bazaar successful. The St C and St F guild made and sold the traditional secret recipe Champagne Mustard, dry soup mixes and an assortment of other things that we thought people might purchase. However, Becky was VERY sick today so she wasn't able to attend. That meant that the rest of us who could be there (2-3) attended ALL day. I have new sympathy for folks whose job means that they are on their feet all day on a concrete floor. I also am super appreciative of living across the street and popping home for this or that or just for taking break from the place.
My kids were super great today. Helping out and having fun all day long. It was too bad that it was such a gorgeous day outside today but hopefully we raised a good amount of funds and that people who need help will benefit from our efforts.

I loves me some pumpkin

We didn't have a pumpkin for Hallowe'en. I figure next year we will. I guess I was looking for some unbelieveable deal for pumpkin and they all seemed a bit pricey for just carving and then composting. I want to EAT pumpkin! Soooo... last night I roasted 3 pie pumpkins in order that I can have pumpkin for many recipes. I started this morning with pumpkin pancakes. They are the best.

Here is my recipe (all measurements approximate)

1.5 cups ww pastry flour
1.5 tsp baking powder
3/4 tsp baking soda
ginger, cinnamon, allspice
2 eggs
1 cup pumpkin (pureed)
1+ cup milk (enough to make it pancake consistency)

hot greased griddle.
makes 24 pancakes- enough for our family of 5 but none for Bodhi!

I plan to make pumpkin scones another morning and perhaps pumpkin pie for tonight. Then I will store the rest of the pumpkin in our massive freezer in the basement.
[The freezer is a story for a post about garage sales in Spokane. Stay tuned!]

pines in the fall

The Pines here in Spokane are really beautiful and when the fall comes they make their presence known in a totally profound way. The dropping of the needles. I have never experienced this before. Massive amounts of needles everywhere. Manito Park has lots of pines and this is what it looked like in one of their parking lots after they had cleared the roads and paths. Amazing.
I wonder what you could do with all that fiber...?

winter?

Today
Timo got a new tooth (#7).
I picked a large number of apples from a neighbor who had a sign out saying neighbors welcome to pick.
I realize the need to reduce the amount of exasperation I seem to have these days. Mostly because I am tired of hearing that tone of voice back from my daughter.
I made Lasagna in the morning. (unheard of early dinner preparation)
We went to the Roosevelt Roundup at the kids' school and it was a super fun carnaval!
Ami won a pie in the cake walk.
I taught an ABM floor lesson class.
And yes. It snowed.

Twinsins in October

Because of my travels to Vancouver we had the opportunity to have another Twinsins reunion. Almost a year since they were born we got together for a meal at C's house. It was so fun to see them together- each with their own way of being in the world. So fun!

ABM in October

October was an incredible month for me and my ABM practice. I took the plunge and booked folks in to do intensive ABM work in Vancouver mid October. An intensive is just as intense for the practitioner as it is for the students! I saw students 5-8 times in 3-5 days. Timo came to Vancouver with me and we both stayed with the E's. H and F looked after Timo while I was BUSY with students. I had the very good fortune of renting space from the generous folks at Jericho Physio who allowed me to work out of their office which is only 4 blocks from the E's home. That made all the difference for my crazy busy days. If I had had to brave Vancouver traffic as well as conduct ABM intensives for folks I would have never survived!
The week after I got back from Vancouver I drove up to Grand Forks BC to do a 3 day intensive with kids and adults there. The work is so powerful the adults really could NOT believe what their new realities were. It was very satisfying and a great working arrangement- working out of my host's aunt's house, mere blocks away. I am planning on going back for another intensive in GF next week. Timo is glad that our GF intensives are only 3 days. I would have to agree with him :)

Fall Fruits

The kids are really getting into the rhythm of their new school routine. It takes less than 10 minutes to walk to school. However we are increasingly getting a bit lazy about leaving enough time to get there. Now that the time has changed I see no reason not to get there ON TIME!!

Yellow plums, pears and a few apples from the urban forest.

can't you just taste these?!

I have had a wonderful time this fall searching out urban fruits for picking and preserving. I found pears (and made awesome dried pears with them) and yellow, little reddish and Italian plums (in the freezer waiting for cobblers) and a few concord grapes. Most recently I have acquired a whole wallop of beautiful Macintosh Apples. We have daily been passing (4 times a day for me!) a yard with 3 little apples trees on our way to school.  One tree had yellow delicious which didn't look too healthy. One tree looked barren and the other was the prize MacIntosh tree. I was watching the apples drop to the grass with no signs of them being used or appreciated in any way. Last week after I picked up the kids I got up the nerve to knock on the door to ask about the apples. The old man who answered said that they weren't going to use them and that we could have as many as we wanted. He said they hadn't sprayed them so they were probably full of bugs. I thought "HUZZAH- no spray"!!! They were gorgeous, hardly any worm evidence, no huge bruises (they were landing on mossy grass) and only a few holes where some buggy friends had taken their fare share. I took as many as I could in the bottom of the stroller. When I got home I determined to go back the next day to gather the rest of the good ones. That I did!!!
I filled a 20 lbs tomato box with my apples. I am very pleased.

Fall in Spokane

It's time to get writing on here!!! You can attribute this inspiration to my sister.
Life is very full and there has been much to blog about but I have been out of the habit. I have used the excuse that my computer not been willing to participate in my blogging habit but I can no longer use that one. I have a shiny new computer to use and it is beautiful! It supports me in all my endeavors.
So here goes...
Since I moved here at the beginning of December last year, Fall in Spokane is something I am appreciating for the first time. I know I have said before that I am enjoying living where there are real SEASONS and I can still say that is true. The amazing trees that I watched change from their wintery sticks into beautiful yellow green buds to glorious green canopies are now dazzling fall colours. We have a stunning maple tree right outside the livingroom window that is shockingly yellow.

We are understanding the work associated with having these gorgeous trees when we have to rake our back yard but it is much better than going to the gym to work out! The kids are troupers and have helped me a great deal.

My favourite tree on the way to school in the morning

I'm playing with my camera to take arty shots!

A Horse Chestnut in Manito Park